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I am a Waterfall,
You are The Source
that moves Me.
Wrapped in his arms
and blankets this weekend, I layed in beds, watched movies that warmed my heart
and saw faces to the souls that warmed my heart.I talked of adolescence and shared my
heart.I also listened in on welcoming
conversations where advice was given, tears and anxieties were shared, felt,
loved on and spoken to.Soaking it in.Family around me, not my own, but mine all
the same. I envisioned.I envisioned the
Sublime, I envisioned Simplicity, I envisioned a life in the future of
mine.I groan.I groan for what I do not have and for what I
do not experience right now. I groan for what I’ve known, but no longer
hold.I got ideas and an appeal to take
risks.Action will move me from my
slumber.Action will move me from my
sleep.Risk will move me into my
adventure and into my dreams.
I thought of a few
things. I thought of a wailing wall.I
thought of a place in nature just for me.I thought of fasting on Fridays and floor sleeping.I thought of the ladies and ministries with
Open Hearts in South America.I thought of my body and the different parts
symbolizing grander arenas in me.I
thought about loving it well.I thought
about community and house churches.I
thought about, I wonder what it will look like to step and branch out?I thought about church in my apartment some
evening, the food, the fellowship, the teaching, the prayer and the fun.I thought, I thought, I thought.I don’t want a dichotomy to exist in me…one
of action verses thought.Completion
would be both in me.
I was angry,
restless, and tired, too. But the weekend was full and wonderful. Just being at home in a family let my feet find a place to land.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds Admit impediments. Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or bends with the remover to remove: O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, That looks on tempests and is never shaken; It is the star to every wandering bark, Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks Within his bending sickle's compass come; Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But bears it out even to the edge of doom. If this be error and upon me proved, I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
So I'm on this journey and now it is a journey about reclaiming. It wasn't until just a few years ago that I realized I had lost and that I had been losing things my whole life. I lost my childlike freedom when I began to realize that everyone around me judged me based on image and behavior. I lost parts of my identity and personality when I started believing I had to be what other people wanted me to be. I lost my easy trust in God when I hurt badly by somebody close, someone I thought God gave me. All along the way, as the world mistreated me, I lost little bits of the image of God I was born to bear.
Recently, like I said, life has become about reclaiming that which has been lost.
Little by little I'm seeing the way God is redeeming it. He will be forever redeeming me, all the parts of me, until He's done it all (and then I'll be with Him. )
So right now, I'm in the midst of more transition, as always life will bring, and I'm opening my heart to understanding what it is to hope again... to really live in hope. That is to live with my heart open, and tender, and vulnerable, with its desires out in front for the world to see. It is a vision for beauty in the future that is grounded in reality. I'm having to learn this again because when my hopes were dashed severely, this internal force rose up inside me that wasn't going to let that happen again. It was the force of self-protection that was going to keep myself safe from dissappointment by not hoping anymore, because(and this is the lie) hope was costly!
I'm seeing now, that it is much more costly to live life without hope. It is much more deadly. It is not how we are intended to live, and so my fight for hope has begun. It's a struggle against that internal force that wants to shove hope down. I have only to let go of the lid and let it rise. I'm learning.
I'm really finding it home here, and the transition is beginning to feel really nice. I find myself driving on roads that feel like comfort, walking into rooms that are just so inviting, and somehow meeting strangers that welcome me like family. It's so nice, and I'm loving so many things about life right now. I have been given a lot of freedom and am pretty much beginning life anew on my own, yet with wonderful and blessed support on all sides. What a joy, joy, joy it is for those around me to be who they are.
Tonight I talked with a stranger at Starbucks. We had church... it felt like...what a relief. :0) it was nice. There have been a lot of things going on, as usual, but i'm getting to a place where i am much more comfortable with myself and with others than I've probably ever been before. There's an element to that that I'm not really sure that I like, but many elements that seem and feel really good.
I have a sweet taste in my mouth, and a warm belly from the coffee and cake I've been sipping and munching on for the last few hours. I've been contemplating a lot, and it feels good to finally have some understanding about the dynamics in my life that I had always thought were "just life." I think it's sad how much I've brushed to the side as being "normal" and just "stuff I have to put up with" that was actually pretty harmful. Sometimes I think that kind of attitude of tolerance, and "oh yeah, I've been through that, haha" is taken as maturity when actually, it's nothing more than a bad (or even sinful) way of dealing with something over that which we should probably grieve. i wonder how many people do this? I find it interesting how I have labeled things in my heart to make it easier to endure. How about calling it what it is, and taking appropriate action? I'm going to try this a little more, even when it comes to labeling my own abuses. It's kind of a hard grain to grind against.
Well, thanks for reading my thoughts. I hope they provoke yours somewhat. Blessings all! :0)
It's hard. It really is. I am feeling the weight of what I went through more and more every day. I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it more than I felt it when I was experiencing it. But even with all the emotion returning, it's still a struggle sometimes to feel at all. For those of you who have been through abuse and gone back later to face it in counseling, you know what I'm talking about.
It's a heavy-hearted road to walk. There are a lot of ambiguous emotions, too. I feel hope rising, and I feel my heart heavy at the same time. I feel joy and deep sorrow. I also feel the war. I feel the onslaught of oppression; I feel it's impending doom like a giant wave about to crash down on me. I feel the overwhelming desire to escape and flee, but I know that to fight back is to stay present, to stay engaged, and to speak the truth in its place.
I am learning that the best thing is not to escape the pain of the past, but to re-enter it with help.
Until I can enter my own pain, I will never be able to enter any one else's. If I am ignoring the aches and longings of my own hurting heart, I will never be able to enter (or offer solace to) the aches and longings of another wounded soul.
Before I can truly forgive, I need to know in full what I am forgiving. I need to realize all that was done to me, and my heart needs to be healed and whole enough to forgive in truth. I
need to know what the abuse did to me, the kinds of messages I took
from it, the ways I lied to myself to be able to cope with it, and I
need to deal with these issues the right way so that they never come
back. I am a changing woman. I am tenderizing, and I am softening, and I am a woman who is well acquainted with pain. And, I am fighting. I have had people fighting for me, and it feels so good. So I am learning to fight for my welfare, and for the welfare of others.
)